


Fast Car

by kitlee625, Sarahastro



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-11 14:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitlee625/pseuds/kitlee625, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarahastro/pseuds/Sarahastro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson and May have some experience with the complications of inter-agency relationships.</p><p>“Maybe if she were part of the agency?”<br/>“In my experience, that’s just asking for trouble.”<br/>- Ward and Coulson, Episode 1x10: The Bridge</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Starting from zero

**Author's Note:**

> The title and chapter titles come from the song "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you are also Star Trek fans, yes, the two scientists on Fury’s team are named after Julian Bashir and Miles O’Brien from Star Trek: DS9. We’re huge Star Trek fans, and we’re not good at coming up with names.

The first time they are back at the Hub for debriefing and maintenance on the plane, Barton insists they all come over to his room in temporarily housing for drinks. The rooms in temporary housing are so small that the seven of them barely fit. May is the last to arrive. Coulson and Sitwell try to make room for her on the bed, but there is so little space that she ends up having to sit very close to Coulson to avoid falling off the bed. He puts his arm around her waist to steady her.

Even Fury is there, and he has brought a very old bottle of Scotch, which they are drinking liberally from. At the table, O’Brien and Bashir are bickering good naturedly about all of the equipment that they have requested for the plane.

From his perch on top of his dresser, Barton catches May’s eye and winks at her. He lifts his squirt gun filled with vodka and asks, “Need a refill?”

May opens her mouth and lets Barton fill it with alcohol. Even with the cheap squirt gun he is an excellent shot and does not spill a drop.

O’Brien says, “I could design you a better squirt gun for that. Increase the range, and tighten the stream.” She grabs a napkin and starts scribbling a design on it. 

Bashir wrinkles her nose in disgust. “It’s not very hygenic. How do you clean it?”

“Alcohol is a disinfectant,” Barton says.

“That only works if you only drink things that are at least 100 proof.”

“Not a problem.” He points the squirt gun at her, and she shakes her head.

Since he is the youngest member of the team, Sitwell is usually quiet on the plane, but with so much alcohol in him he is chattering away loudly at Coulson about a prank he pulled at the Academy. Coulson is nodding, but when Sitwell loses his thread of the conversation and starts tilting to one side, Coulson grabs his glass of Scotch.

“I think you should call it a night,” Coulson says.

“No way. The night is young! I’m fine.”

“You’re drunk,” May says. “Go to sleep.”

“No I’m not. I’m perfect. I’m so perfect that I bet -” He glances around Barton’s cramped room. Temporary housing rooms are called the cubes because of their shape. There is just enough space for a bed, a table and chairs, and a small kitchen with a bathroom tucked in one corner. Barton left most of his things on the plane, but Sitwell spots Barton’s bow on the kitchen counter. “I bet I could shoot an apple off May’s head with Barton’s bow and arrow.”

Barton starts laughing, and May glares at both of them. “No.”

Insisting that it will be fine, Sitwell lurches for the bow and arrow only to have it snatched out of his hands by May. “One more move, and I’ll shoot an arrow at your head.”

Sitwell gives Coulson an indignant look, but he just shrugs and smirks.

Fury gets up. “As much as I’d love to see Sitwell get shot, I can’t sit by and watch while my agents kill each other. Sitwell, I’ll walk you back to your cube.”

Sitwell makes a few weak noises of protest but follows Fury out the door. Not long after O’Brien and Bashir also leave citing an early morning delivery of new lab equipment.

“Too bad for you two,” Barton says. “We’re off tomorrow.”

The room is much quieter with the others gone. Barton remains perched on the dresser, drinking in amiable silence. Even though they have the bed to themselves now, Coulson and May only move slightly further apart. They are both keenly aware that they are sitting closer than they need to be, close enough that their legs are pressed together.

May, Coulson, and Barton wind up finishing the bottle of Scotch that Fury left behind as well as Barton’s squirt gun of vodka. Coulson finally puts an end to the evening when Barton tries to shoot the last of the vodka into his mouth and hits him in the nose.

“I think you’ve reached your limit,” Coulson says as he wipes the vodka from his face. “Anyway, we’re out of alcohol.”

He looks over at May. “I’m going too. It’s late.”

He walks with her to her cube, which is only a few doors down from Barton’s. She does not go in right away but lingers with him in the hallway.

“I’m glad we’re finally working together,” he says. “It’s good to have you on the team.”

Truthfully she had been reluctant to join the Mobile Command Unit under Fury. Her previous assignments have been solo ops, going out into the field to retrieve a device, neutralize a target, or gather information. However S.H.I.E.L.D. recently purchased a fleet of MCU’s from Stark Enterprises and reassigned almost a hundred agents to staff them. It is strange being in such cramped quarters with six other people. At least her bunk is off the cockpit, so she has a little more privacy.

“It wasn’t easy getting you assigned to us,” he says. “Every team wanted you. I had to be very persuasive.”

“Mmm.” She raises her eyebrows. She had suspected that Coulson had something to do with her being reassigned.

“You’re off tomorrow?” She nods. “Do you want to get breakfast together?”

She gives him a small smile and raises her eyebrow teasingly. “Breakfast?”

“I’m free all morning. I don’t have any meetings until the afternoon.”

She looks at him expectantly, like she is waiting for him to say something else. He just smiles at her, a little confused. Finally she asks, “Do you want to come in?”

“Come in?” Maybe it is all the alcohol, but he is having a hard time figuring out what she means. He knows what he wants her to mean.

Her back is facing him as she opens her door so he cannot read her expression. When she turns to face him she has a mischievous smile. She grabs his tie and pulls him into her cube.

*****

When he wakes up she is already doing tai chi in her room. The table and chairs have been pushed to one side to give her more floor space.

He gives her a sheepish smile. “Good morning.”

“Morning.”

“Did you sleep okay? I hope I didn’t wake you up in the middle of the night.”

“It was fine.”

“Okay. Good.” He feels a little awkward getting out of bed, as he is completely naked, but she is still doing tai chi and barely seems to be paying attention to him. It takes a few minutes for him to hunt down the various pieces of his suit, which are strewn around the small room.

By the time he is finished dressing she has finished tai chi and is drinking water. “Do you still want to get breakfast?” she asks.

“Okay. Do you want to change first?”

“No.” She sets down her water. “Let’s go.”

Even though the cubes have a small kitchen, most agents eat in the S.H.I.E.L.D. cafeteria. When they get there it is nearly empty as most everyone else is already working.

“Maintenance on the plane should only take a few days.”

“Do we have an assignment after that?”

“I think that’s what this meeting is going to be about.”

“This has been working out better than I thought it would.”

“What?”

“The MCUs.”

“Why didn’t you think it would work out?”

“Having non-combat-rated scientists in the field is risky.”

“Bashir and O’Brien can take care of themselves. I noticed that you and Barton have been teaching them self-defense.”

“It’s our job to keep them safe.”

He smiles. “I always feel better knowing that you’re watching my back.”

“Like the old days.”

“Back at the Academy on training missions. The other cadets were jealous that we were partnered up so often.”

“We made a good team.”

“Still do.” He is not sure whether now is the right time to discuss it, but they are alone in the cafeteria. “Should we talk about what happened last night?”

“What about it?”

“It shouldn’t have happened.”

She gives him a flirty smile. “You didn’t enjoy it?”

“That’s not the point. It’s against protocol.”

May scoffs. “It was just sex.”

“Personal feelings complicate things. They can impair judgment.”

May rolls her eyes. “Who said anything about personal feelings? It was just a one time thing.”

It is not just a one time thing. On their next trip to the Hub a few months later they wind up in bed together, and again on the trip after that. 

After they finish, May must see the guilt on his face, because she sits up abruptly and gives him an annoyed look. “It’s just sex,” she says.

She says this every time. Coulson shakes his head. “We both know that’s not true.”

She does not have an immediate response, but finally she says, “It’s only a problem if we let it be.”

“It’s against protocol.”

“To make sure that personal feelings don’t compromise missions. I can separate my feelings from my work.” She raises her eyebrows at him. “Can you?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” She lies back down and rests her head on his shoulder. “No one needs to know about this,” she says.

Coulson feels another stab of guilt. He knows that Fury would be livid if he found out about them, and he knows Fury’s anger would be completely justified. But he does not argue with her. Instead he holds her close and kisses her forehead. “No one will find out. After all, we both know how to keep secrets.”


	2. See what it means to be living

Keeping this secret turns out to be harder than they had expected. The cramped quarters on the MCU make it impossible to avoid each other, and now every interaction has to be scrutinized and analyzed to make sure that they are not leaving any clues. They do their best to avoid being alone together. When they hang out in the evenings, they are careful to include Barton, Sitwell, or one of the scientists. They still spar together sometimes in the cargo area, but they start including Barton and Sitwell more too.

The scientists are more comfortable with their lab equipment than with people and do not seem to notice any change between them. Sitwell might notice something, as he is very shrewd with people, but he is too junior to mention it to either of them. That leaves just Fury and Barton to worry about, so Coulson and May are always particularly careful around them.

She thinks they are doing a good job until Barton corners her in the cockpit. “Agent May.”

“Agent Barton.”

He slides into the co-pilot’s seat without asking. Although Barton is also a fully qualified S.H.I.E.L.D. pilot, she is the primary pilot on the team.

“Is there something I should know?” he asks.

She smirks. “Fallen behind on your briefings again?”

“About you. Your personal life.”

“No.”

“Really?”

“My personal life is none of your business.”

“It is if it involves someone else on the team.” Her silence is the only answer he needs. “Coulson,” he guesses.

She glances at him. “How did you know?”

“Bashir. She was scolding me for putting off my physical and mentioned that you’ve been coming in right on time.”

May does not answer. It is S.H.I.E.L.D. protocol that all female agents are on long-term birth control, which for most meant Depo injections every three months. May always thought it was unfair that the women had to have physicals more frequently than the men, and so she usually resisted until they were ready to revoke her medical clearance.

“We haven’t been back to the Hub in two months,” he continues, “so I figured it had to be someone on the bus.”

“Does anyone else know?”

“I don’t think Bashir realizes the significance. She thinks you’re just being a model agent. I don’t know if she’s mentioned it to Fury.”

“Have you?”

“No. And I’m not going to.”

That surprises her. “Why not?”

“You’re both good agents. I don’t want to have to learn to get along with whoever they bring on after Fury reassigns you to Antarctica or Alaska.” He stands to leave. “Just be careful.”

She is not sure whether he means be careful that Fury does not find out, or be careful that their relationship does not get in the way of their missions. She nods. “We are.”

*****

The mission should be straightforward - investigate reports of biological weapons being developed by AIM at a facility in eastern Europe. Since the mission is reconnaissance, not combat, Fury sends just her and Coulson to the facility with Bashir and O’Brien, while he takes Sitwell and Barton to track down one of the lead scientists. But an hour after they arrive, everything has gone to hell, and the four of them are pinned down behind a truck.

“We need an extraction,” Coulson yells into the radio.

May cannot make out the static-filled reply over the sound of the gunfire. Coulson presses the radio to his ear as she leans out from behind the truck to fire at the enemy. When she ducks back, Coulson has a concerned look on his face.

“They’re on their way, but they won’t get here in time. We’re going to have to steal one of the cars and get out of here ourselves.”

She glances over at O’Brien and Bashir. They are both trying to hide their terror but failing.

“O’Brien, stick with May. You’ll find us a ride out of here. Bashir and I will be right behind you.”

May nods and gently pushes O’Brien out from behind the truck. The one they are hiding behind is useless - it’s body is riddled with holes, and they can smell gasoline leaking out of the punctured gas tank. But just a few hundred feet away is a parking lot filled with cars. She and Coulson are able to hold them off long enough for her and O’Brien to make it to one of them, and O’Brien jumps in and starts hotwiring it. But before Coulson and Bashir can reach them, two shots ring out and they both go down.

May gives her gun to O’Brien. “Don’t leave the car. Shoot anyone who gets close. If we don’t make it, leave without us.”

When she gets to Coulson and Bashir, she sees that both of them have been shot. Coulson’s pant leg is soaked in blood, and Bashir is clutching her stomach and whimpering.

Coulson’s face is resolute. “Take her and go.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll just slow you down. Go!”

For a moment, she is not sure she can do it. Then she looks down at Bashir’s pain-stricken face and nods. She grabs the woman, loops her arms around her neck, and half-drags-half-carries her to the car. Behind her, she can hear Coulson continuing to shoot at the AIM soldiers. She wonders how many more bullets he has.

She throws Bashir into the backseat. She is about to jump in herself when she sees Coulson, sitting on the ground, still shooting. She knows that she should leave him behind, but she cannot.

She slams the car door. “Drive back the way we came,” she tells O’Brien. “Don’t stop, no matter what. Before long you should run into Fury and Barton.”

She does not even wait to hear the car drive off before she starts running to Coulson. When he sees her, he scowls. “I thought I told you to go.”

“Shut up.” She gets him into a standing position and starts dragging him towards the vehicles. Unfortunately, a second later, a burst of pain explodes across her shoulder. She looks down and realizes that she has been shot too. She looks down in horror at the blood seeping out of her arm and the side of her chest. She can still breathe so she knows she has not punctured her lung, but she cannot catch her breath because of the pain. Between that and the added weight of carrying him she stumbles, and they fall to the ground.

“What now?” she asks.

Coulson is breathing hard. The pain must be excruciating after falling on his injured leg. “Go without me,” he says. “You can hotwire another car and follow them.”

“I can’t,” she says.

He grimaces but does not argue. “The truck,” he says. “It’s closer. We can use it as cover until our team comes for us.”

But before they can make it back there, a team of soldiers arrives to capture them. Coulson and May both raise their hands in defeat.

The lead soldier smiles cruelly. “You shouldn’t have come back for him,” he says.

One of the other soldiers comes closer, poking her in the back with his gun. She smiles to herself, then quickly disarms him and shoots him in the knee before turning the gun on the lead soldier.

He does not seem nervous. He smiles even wider and turns his gun from May to Coulson.

He raises his eyebrows as if asking her what she will do. May keeps her face impassive, but her heart is pounding.

The sound of a car interrupts them. Everyone turns, and in that moment an arrow shoots right into the soldier’s hand and his gun falls to the ground. By the time the car pulls up, May and Barton have dispatched the rest of the soldiers.

Sitwell throws open the door, and Coulson gives him a smile. “You have excellent timing.”

“Thanks.”

He and May get Coulson into the car, and they drive off, pausing briefly so that Barton can jump back into the car from his hiding place in the parking lot.

“Nice shot,” May says.

“I told you that squirt gun was good practice.”

*****

When she wakes up from surgery, two agents are waiting to debrief her.

“How is the rest of the team?” she asks when they have finished.

“Bashir is still in surgery, but the prognosis is good. Agent Coulson got out of surgery just after you did. He’s going to be fine.”

She nods. Once they are gone, she leans back and stares up at the ceiling. She wants to see Coulson, but she is afraid to face him. She keeps replaying the mission in her mind. Watching Coulson and Bashir get shot, being told to leave him behind, trying to rescue him only to be shot herself. And worst, that soldier pointing a gun at his head. She honestly does not know what she would have done if Barton had not been there, but she is worried that she would have surrendered.

She thought she could handle this, put her feelings for him away and focus on the missions, but now she knows that she was just fooling herself. They have been in dangerous situations before since they began sleeping together, but this is the first time she has had to face the possibility of losing him. Most people will think her attempt to rescue him single-handedly is another example of how fearless and loyal she is. “Melinda May never leaves a man behind,” people say. But she knows the truth.

*****

When May walks into his hospital room, Coulson smiles at her. “My hero.”

She stiffens. “I’m not a hero.”

“Yes you are. You saved our lives.” She looks down, and he reaches over and took her hand. “It shouldn’t have gone down like that,” he says, “but it did. What matters is that we all made it out of there alive.” He motions for her to sit down. “How are you?”

“Fine. They won’t let me out of the hospital for another day, though.”

He gives her a look of fond exasperation. “You got shot.”

“Not seriously.”

“I’ll be in here for a while longer,” he says. “When I get out, they’re going to give me a little personal leave.” He gives her a meaningful look. “I’m sure you’ll get some too. It will be a few weeks before our team will be back together. You should use the opportunity to get away for a while.”

“Any recommendations?”

“California is nice. I’m going to fly into LA and drive up the coast.”

She knows it is a bad idea. Going on leave together will only arouse suspicion. They should end their relationship now before anyone finds out or they compromise any more missions. However part of her does not want to give him up so soon. She has not gone on vacation in a long time. It would be nice to go somewhere with him, one last hurrah before they put this aside for good. “How far were you going to drive?”

He smiles. “I’ve heard Napa is beautiful.”


	3. And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of them driving through California together is inspired by the fic “I Come Back to Haunt You” by gabiroba.

It has been a long time since May took a commercial flight. She has forgotten how much of a hassle it is: waiting in line for her ticket, checking her luggage, getting through airport security. The plane is very crowded, and there is a child kicking the back of her seat the entire ride to San Francisco. May tries to sleep but is unable to relax. She keeps running the events of the most recent op through her mind, something she has been doing almost nonstop since they were rescued.

Sometime around the hundredth review of the mission, she had decided what she should have done was leave in the car with Bashir and O’Brien and come back for Coulson with the rest of the team. But at the time the thought of leaving him behind was just too painful. Even though she was praised for her actions, the guilt is eating away at her. She knows that she should end things between them. The next time they are in the field together and something goes wrong, they might not all make it out alive.

She resolves to tell him as soon as she lands, but when she sees him sitting at the curb in a rented convertible holding a bouquet of flowers, all she can say is, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I picked them up at a roadside stand on the drive up. I also got some strawberries, if you’re hungry.”

The flowers are still fresh and quite fragrant. She holds them on her lap along with the bag of strawberries as he drives them inland towards Napa Valley. She stares out the window at the passing scenery as he tells her about his flight to LAX and drive up the coast. 

“I hope you like it up here. Calistoga is at the north end of the Napa Valley. There are some wonderful vineyards, and great hiking through the redwoods. There are also a lot of spas if you’re interested.”

She gives him a look. “I’m not a spa person.”

“Vacations are about relaxing.” She gives him a look. “No spa then. We can hike and drink wine.” He smirks. “Or not. For the next four days, we can do whatever we want. We don’t even have to leave our hotel room if we don’t want to.”

*****

They don’t leave their hotel room until late afternoon of their first full day in Calistoga. They arrive in Calistoga in the early evening, and after a quick dinner in town they go to the hotel. Despite having been traveling all day neither of them are tired, and they wind up having sex all night and falling asleep just as the sun is starting to rise.

By the afternoon they are both going a little stir crazy. It has been a long time since they have had so much time with nothing to do. Coulson teases her that they could spend another day in bed, but she drags him out to go for a walk.

The town is small with streets lined with wine shops offering tastings, fine restaurants, and spas. Coulson stops at every restaurant to read the menus.

“What do you think of this one?”

May shrugs. They all seem to serve the same assortment of American food and expensive wines.

“Do you want to go here for dinner tonight?”

She shrugs again. “Whatever you want.”

“We should see what else is in the area before making a decision.” As they walk he takes her hand and squeezes it. “Thank you for coming here with me.”

“Do you think anyone realizes that we’re spending our leave together?”

“I don’t think so. The entire team is on leave except for O’Brien and Fury. O’Brien is hard at work in the engineering labs at the Hub, and Fury never takes vacations.”

“Good.” She debates whether to tell him about her conversation with Barton. After it happened she rationalized that it would be easier on Coulson if he did not know, but now she feels guilty for keeping it from him. “Clint knows about us.”

“What? How do you know?”

“He confronted me a couple months ago.”

“What did he say? Does anyone else know?”

“He figured it out because I was on time for my physical, but he didn’t think Bashir understood the significance.” She pauses to see if he understands the significance, and his slightly embarrassed look confirms that he does. “He wasn’t sure if Fury knew, but he wasn’t going to tell him.”

If Fury did know they definitely would have heard something about it by now. “That’s a relief.”

“He said he didn’t want to have to get used to new team members after Fury reassigned us to Alaska and Antarctica.” She keeps her tone light, like she is joking, but they both know that is exactly what would happen to them if Fury ever found out.

“We’ll have to be more careful when he get back,” he says.

She nods. After she was unable to end things at the airport, she resolved to end it at the end of the trip. “We will be. But let’s not think about that anymore. We should enjoy our vacation.”

They pass by another restaurant, and his face lights up when he sees the menu. “This place looks good, and it had excellent ratings in the Zagat guide. Why don’t we try it?”

“Sure.”

*****

The next day they go wine tasting. Coulson gets a list of vineyards from the concierge of their hotel and marks out their locations on a map. The scenery is incredibly beautiful, and riding in the convertible she pretends that they are regular people. No S.H.I.E.L.D. No life and death decisions. Just Phil and Melinda celebrating their anniversary by going wine tasting. Not that she even knows when to consider the anniversary of whatever this thing is between them. Did it begin the first time they had sex, or the first time they admitted that it was not just a string of one night stands? Or was it this last mission, when she risked her life to go back for him?

They go to several places, but her favorite is one where they drink wine surrounded by a grove of redwoods. They are on a private tour, just the two of them and a young man who works at the vineyard who tells them all about the history of the area and the different types of wine. Coulson is fascinated by all the details, but May is somewhat bored. She wishes that the man would just leave them alone so they can drink wine in this beautiful place in peace.

By early afternoon she is feeling a little lightheaded from so much wine, though Coulson is unaffected. He drives them to a cafe where they can get sandwiches for lunch, and then they go hiking through the redwoods. It is warm but not unpleasantly so. She walks in silence while Coulson pleasantly chatters on.

After an hour they reach a clearing and sit down to drink water and rest. “This is nice,” he says, “getting away from S.H.I.E.L.D. for a while.”

She nods.

“Have you ever thought about leaving?” he asks. “What you would do if you weren’t in S.H.I.E.L.D.?”

“Not really.”

“I was in the Army when they recruited me,” he says. “I probably would have stayed there. Or maybe left and gone back to civilian life, although I don’t really know what I would have done.”

“I joined S.H.I.E.L.D. to get away from civilian life,” she admits. Growing up her family had had specific expectations for her: getting married, having children, and carrying on the family traditions. They had not understood that she wanted none of it.

Almost apologetically he says, “It’s not that I want to leave S.H.I.E.L.D. I know that I’m doing important work there. But sometimes it’s nice to have a break. Think about the life I didn’t chose.”

“And in that life you own a vineyard?” she asks, rolling her eyes.

He smiles. “I can think of worse things. Good wine, good food. Being outdoors all day. No,” he admits, “I don’t know anything about agriculture. I grew up in a city. But maybe this is a vacation that the other Phil would have taken too.”

She looks at him carefully and thinks about that other Phil. What he would do, where he would live. What he would be like without the scars and the S.H.I.E.L.D. secrets weighing him down.

That conversation lingers in the back of her mind for the rest of their trip. Their last night in town they are at yet another nice restaurant that Coulson painstakingly selected.

“I’m really glad we did this. It’s been an amazing trip. I wish we didn’t have to leave tomorrow,” he says.

Maybe it is the wine, but she says, “We don’t have to go back.” He pauses, fork frozen halfway to his mouth, his forehead slightly furrowed with confusion. “Our lives could be like this all the time.”

“Like what?”

“Living out here together. Not part of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Coulson smiles a little sadly. “This isn’t real life. This is just a vacation. Would you really be happy doing nothing all day?”

May cannot even remember when her last real vacation was before this trip. “Probably not.” If they did leave S.H.I.E.L.D. they would have to get civilian jobs, but she has no idea what she would do. She has a very specific skill set that does not translate well into civilian life.

He looks at her quizzically for a moment, then says, “Actually, there was something I wanted to tell you. I’ve been promoted, and I’m being reassigned to the Hub. I’ll be helping to plan missions for all of the MCUs stationed out of the Hub.”

She knows that he has wanted this for years. “That’s great. Congratulations.”

“Sitwell is going to take over my position on the team. Fury and I are still looking for a new junior agent.”

She nods and tries to keep the tumble of emotions under control. She had not really thought seriously about running away together, but after three days together in Calistoga, it is a shock to hear him talking about S.H.I.E.L.D. again. But on the other hand, this might be the best possible outcome. Even though she will miss working with him, she is relieved that he no longer will be on the MCU with her. She will not have to worry about protecting him on missions and how their romantic involvement interferes with that. She can have the career in S.H.I.E.L.D. that she wants, out in the field free of emotional entanglements, and then come back to him at the Hub between missions.

As if he can read her mind, he reaches over and places his hand on hers. “It will be easier, not having to sneak around on the bus and at the Hub,” he says. “We should still be discreet, but technically it’s not against regulations anymore.” He smiles at her. “And I can still watch your back from there.”


	4. Leave tonight or live and die this way

A S.H.I.E.L.D. research facility outside of Oslo has been captured by HYDRA, and Coulson is put in charge of planning the extraction. The facility is small, and according to their intel the scientists are all being held in the main laboratory space. 

“A one-man extraction will work best,” Agent Blake says. “Someone who can get in, neutralize the targets, and get out with the scientists alive.”

Even within S.H.I.E.L.D. there are only a few people who can pull something like that off. “Who do you have in mind?” Coulson asks.

“Agent May. She’s the best.”

Coulson tries to keep his face neutral. “She’s assigned to Fury’s MCU.”

“They just checked in an hour ago, and I’m sure he’ll loan her to us if you persuade him that her talents are needed here.”

“I’m familiar with Agent May’s skill set. I’ll look over the op and give my recommendation.”

Five minutes later, Coulson knows that Blake is right. May is the only one who can pull this off alone. He tries to put his personal feelings aside, but the thought of sending her in there makes him want to throw up.

When he and Blake meet to finalize the plan, Coulson says, “Just one thing. We should send Agent Barton in with Agent May.”

Blake raises an eyebrow. “Agent Barton?”

“His skills as a sniper would be an asset to this mission. He can watch Agent May’s back while she’s going in, and if anything goes wrong, we’ll have a second agent capable of getting the scientists out alone.”

Thankfully, Blake nods and says, “Good thinking, but do you really think Fury will loan us two of his specialists?”

“I’ll talk to him,” Coulson says.

*****

Coulson watches Fury carefully as he briefs him on the extraction plan for any sign that he is going to refuse the personnel request. Fury raises his eyebrows when Coulson outlines the limited role that Barton will have, but other than that his face remains unreadable.

When he finishes speaking he expects Fury to refuse to release both May and Barton, but Fury says, “I’ll let May and Barton know. Send the mission details to the MCU, and I’ll brief them tonight on the way to Oslo.”

“Thank you sir.”

Before Fury leaves he adds, “It can be difficult sending friends into dangerous situations, but that’s part of the job.”

Coulson wonders if Fury suspects that there is more than friendship between him and May. “Yes sir. Understood sir.”

*****

May storms into his office, slamming the door behind her. One look at her face, and he knows that he is in trouble.

“I’m going to have to call you back,” he says into the phone before hanging up.

With forced calm he says, “Agent May. I didn’t realize you were back already.”

“How could you?”

“I haven’t received the report from your mission, but I should be getting a copy in an hour or so.”

She glares at him. “You know what I’m talking about.”

He stares back, then nods slightly.

“I read the briefings. That was a solo op, and you sent me in with another agent.”

“It was going to be a solo op, but I decided it would work better with two.” She stares at him until he admits, “It seemed safer that way.” She keeps glaring at him, and he is reminded why so many agents are afraid of her. “The mission was a success. You and Barton extracted the team, and no one was hurt.”

“He shouldn’t have been there. You put Barton’s life at risk because you couldn’t handle your personal feelings. You have to trust that I can do my job.”

“I trust you.” He does not know what to say, or how to defend himself. He knows that she is right.

Some of her anger has dissipated, to be replaced by what almost seems like pity. “You said that you could handle this,” she reminds him.

“I can,” he says, although he is doubting it himself. “I have a meeting to get to. Why don’t we talk more tonight? We can meet at my apartment around 8.”

She nods and leaves without another word.

He tries to put it out of his mind, but he finds himself thinking about the mission and his decision all afternoon. By the time he leaves his office that evening he knows what he has to do. As soon as he steps inside his apartment, though, his resolve wavers.

“You’re late,” she says, but she sounds amused rather than annoyed. Because he is stationed at the Hub now, he no longer has to stay in the cubes. His apartment is bigger with a decent kitchen. Normally he does not cook, but May cooks for him when she is at the Hub. Behind her he can see the dinner that she has prepared for them sitting on the table.

He swallows and forces himself to go through the speech he rehearsed on the way over. “Melinda, we need to talk.”

The relaxed, playful look on her face retreats, and she nods. They sit down next to each other on the couch.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” he says. He watches her face carefully for a reaction. She seems surprised and a little hurt. “It’s too hard to separate the personal from the professional. You were right. I should have sent you in alone. Barton shouldn’t have been involved. But I couldn’t do it. I was too worried about you. I can’t put my feelings aside like you can. I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.”

She looks sad, but she says, “If that’s the case, then this is for the best.” She stands up. “I should go.”

He wants to stop her but holds himself back. When she has gone, he throws away the dinner she cooked for them. She had set out a bottle of wine from one of the vineyards they had visited on their trip. He thinks about throwing it away too, but in the end he takes all of the bottles and sticks them in the very back of the cabinet.

*****

“Do you trust me?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“Then let me do my job.”

They are standing outside the gifted individual’s compound in Bahrain. He cannot help but worry about what might happen to her all alone. He wants to tell her not to go in alone. They can wait for backup, or he can go in with her. But he swallows those feelings and lets the analytical side of his brain take over. With his injuries he will only be a liability to her, and besides, someone has to stay outside and protect the rest of the team. This is their only option.

He nods. She goes in alone, unarmed. Coulson watches the compound and waits. When she finally emerges, bloody but alive, with the hostages in tow, he can see right away that she is different. For a moment he wishes he had made a different call, gone in with her or maybe even instead of her, but he pushes that thought away.

“Melinda, what happened? Are you okay?”

She can barely look at him. “I fixed the problem.”

While she was in the compound, the tech had managed to get the radio working again, and Coulson had radioed for help. May sits away from everyone else while they wait for the plane to pick them up, staring at her hands.

When Coulson approaches, he realizes that she is shaking. She keeps opening and closing her hands into fists, as if not sure they belong to her. They are covered in blood, but he had examined her himself, and none of the blood is hers.

“Melinda, what happened in there?”

She does not answer.

They sit in silence for a while. Finally he says, “Melinda, whatever happened in there, you have to let it go. You saved a lot of people. You have to let the rest go so you can move on.”

She blinks rapidly but does not answer. She just keeps staring at her hands.

*****

When Coulson returns from Tahiti, he is surprised to see that Fury has him tucked away from the action, reviewing reports and overseeing committees. Officially it is so he can continue his recovery, but Coulson wonders if this is Fury’s way of putting him away like the other broken agents. Broken agents are a liability to S.H.I.E.L.D. - those who cannot pass their psych evaluations are redacted and kept under constant surveillance at a S.H.I.E.L.D. facility, and those who can are sent to a remote outpost where they cannot cause any trouble. Leaving S.H.I.E.L.D. is not an option.

Without work to focus on, his mind wanders to his time in Tahiti. It was a magical place, but the memories of his time there are so repetitive, even boring. It had been a relief to get back to work, at least until he realized that meant more sitting around doing nothing. He knows that he should not complain - not every agent gets sent to Tahiti after a near death experience. May never got a vacation like his after Bahrain, and for a while he wonders if it is too late to see if she could go now. But eventually he dismisses the idea. The May he remembers was never a fan of doing nothing, and he doubts that sitting around on the beach would be much better than sitting in a cubicle.

When the specs for a new MCU cross his desk, he knows immediately that this is exactly the kind of challenge he needs. The initial plan is to test the prototype with short-term missions based out of The Hub, but he pushes them to make it a completely autonomous team, then pushes to get himself assigned to lead it. There are a lot of raised eyebrows over his decision. Some people wonder why he would want to go back into the field so soon after a near-death experience. Others think he is crazy to trade a leadership position at S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters to lead a team of scientists and specialists out in the field on what is essentially a shakedown cruise. In the end, though, he is simply too qualified for Fury to refuse him.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Fury says gruffly.

He spends hours poring over personnel records, picking the perfect team. Fitz and Simmons immediately catch his eye, not just because of their brilliance but because they seem to eager to get out of the lab. He chooses Ward as the junior specialist because he knows how risky it is to have two non-combat-trained members on the team, and he needs a big brother to protect them.

When it comes time to pick the senior specialist, he does not even review a single application. There is only one person he wants driving the bus. May never responds to the orders reassigning her to his team, but he does not even consider finding someone else. He knows that this is exactly what she needs, more than a desk job or even a trip to Tahiti. This is where she belongs, in the field by his side, the only person he always trusts to watch his back.


End file.
